Scar

Year of Reckoning / March

I still suffer from sleepless, eating disorder, and the like. This whole thing is ridiculous. I have never been so demolished my entire life. Everytime I try to close my eyes, I would see the vision that I so long to have but cannot have. Is it too much to ask for? All I ask for is a chance to prove myself. And yet, nothing happens.

Such is the terror of the Year of Reckoning. In the third month, it strikes me with even harder precision that makes me recoil back in horror of all the wrongdoings I have done.

Believe it or not, something special did happened to me. For a long time, there is a special friend that I really like. 08 Mar 2009 was the first date that we officially met face to face. It was beautiful. Though it was brief, but I held my hand high knowing that there is someone very special somewhere that care so much about me. And she came all the way here to see me … me, a nobody. I could not let that sacrifice go unrewarded.

Then it happened. Perhaps it was not the best decision I have made. I should know full well not to be involved in a relationship while I am on rebound. But it happened. And weeks after that, I realised that I was not being fair. I hurt someone’s feeling, a special girl, whom I really care for.

How could that happen? How could in all the madness that the Year of Reckoning is teaching me, I could still hurt someone? No wonder this happen to me. I just do not know the right thing to do. I have lost myself too much. I do not even know myself anymore sometimes. Do you know that feeling?

You look into the mirror in the morning. The face looks familiar, but you do not know anything about that person looking back at you. That is how it feels.

I am lucky that she still wants to befriend me. Deep down, I know I have hurt her so much. I am afraid it will be a lasting scar. But I really want to get to know her, to let love develop gradually in its own time. I have spent most of my life (concerning relationships) chasing after shadows. Perhaps it is time to let myself immersed within someone’s arm, someone who truly care for me. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.